© Winifred. I baked this delicious carrot cake for the first time yesterday and it turned out great. Made me feel happy for many hours.

Today's Anytime Resolution is to try something new or novel as an effort to increase happiness.

One of my passions in life is food. I am a decent cook but a relatively new baker. Yesterday, I challenged myself to bake a carrot cake, a dessert that I enjoy. When it turned out great, it made me smile for a few hours. I felt a wonderful sense of achievement.

Trying something novel or challenging is not easy because there is always an equal chance of failing. Many fear the risk and pain of failing. I know the feeling too well because for a very long time, my fear of failing has prevented me from trying out new things.

The turning point came when I was thirty where I made the decision that I will not turn away from any new experience provided it is a calculated risk. That decision certainly enables me to lead a much richer and fuller life. Since then, I have attempted paragliding, rock climbing, snorkeling, skiing, Snuba which I hated, hiking, and whitewater rafting just to name a few. I love traveling because it is the perfect way to experience new culture and push the boundaries. I am equally open in terms of trying new food and cuisine including exotic animals like cuy, grasshopper and horse sashimi.

Increasingly, there are more studies that show mastering new skills contribute to happiness. Based on my own experience, I am definitely a proponent for the idea that novelty and challenge bring happiness. It's amazing how simple thing like succeeding in baking a cake can contribute to my joy.

Truly, we are in position and power to create intentional activities that can bring more fulfillment to our lives, bearing in mind that these activities make up 40% of our happiness. The first step is always hard as we are wired for familiarity and comfort zone.

Is there any activity or hobby that you have always wanted to try but afraid to make a fool of yourself? Challenge yourself and bear with the initial discomfort. With practice and time, you will be able to master a new skill. And when you do, the feeling is amazing and you will be so glad and proud of yourself. As an encouragement remember: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Go and try something new today. I love to hear of your experience so please share it in the comment. Have fun!

This is one of my favourite pictures of me with my father, Peter. My eleven-year-old self in this picture would never be able to imagine a life without her precious papa.

Today marks the tenth year since papa left us. His sudden death turned my world upside down and a part of me died with him that day. Even though it has been a decade, he is dearly missed and the world is just not quite the same without him.

My father taught me many important life lessons not just in words but by the way he had lived his life. Here are three of the most important lessons that I have learned from him.

1. Faith in God and life

Since young, my siblings and I were raised to believe in God and prayers. Truly it is the greatest gift that my parents have given me because by instilling and passing on their firm belief and faith, I have been able to overcome many life's challenges.

As a result of his faith in God, dad faced death with courage and he was ready to leave this world when his time beckoned. This was expressed openly to me three months before he died when he was hospitalized due to a seizure. Even though I would have very much preferred that he lived a longer life, I take tremendous comfort in knowing that he was ready.

2. His great passion for life

Dad was an active participant of life. He showed up daily for his work with strong and great work ethic. He was always the first to be at the office, ready to give his level best. His life as a civil servant was an interesting one. I am so thankful that he and I did a project together where he dictated his life story as a civil servant while I did the typing. Our effort was rewarded when the article was eventually published in a local magazine. Clearly my love for writing and sharing is inherited from him.

Other than work, dad was deeply involved in serving the community, both in the religious and secular world. Mom told me that once he took no pay leave from work for a couple of weeks because he was in-charge of a mega fundraising effort. That was the level of his dedication and passion.  

Another trait that I have come to embrace from my dad is his thoughtfulness. He spent much time thinking and introspecting as well as engaging in intellectual and political discourse. It's lovely to know that we are both thinkers.

3. A people-person who valued relationships

He was certainly the life of a party with his great sense of humour, warmth and outgoing personality. Always willing to lend a helping hand, he was generous towards others. He knew and appreciated the importance of relationships and I learned that from him at a very young age.

I left home at 18 to pursue my education in another country. It was always wonderful to chat with dad on the phone as I could hear his smile and joy through his voice that made me feel loved and cherished. I miss seeing his smile very much. 

Although his death left a deep gap in my heart, I am very grateful to learn more key lessons from the experience. He continued to teach me even on his death.

1. Grief is not "work"

I learned about grief firsthand when dad left us suddenly. As a psychologist I was well-aware of the five-stages of grief yet it did not resonate with me. What I learned instead is that grief is a messy, slow and painful process, one that involves emotional upheaval, interrupted activities and countless dark nights. Indeed, this is what the latest research in grief shows us.

It is crucial to grieve well and to do it well takes attention, courage and time. We need courage because the emotional pain can be overwhelming and it is very tempting to simply numb it. Our grief is the proof of our love, a demonstration of how deep we have allowed another person to touch us. I cried every night for close to six months after dad died. For a while, I thought the emotional pain would never cease. Yet, it was through my tears that I found the healing elixir that lubricated my broken heart. 

My experience taught me that grief is not a task or work that needs to be controlled, fixed or resolved. I am inclined to agree that we are never "finished" with grieving. I still grieve today for the loss of dad albeit with less intensity and frequency. I don't think I will ever "get over" losing him.

If you have recently or not so recently lose someone in your life, my heart goes out to you. It is not going to be easy and I wish there is a magic formula that I could offer but there is none. To cope with the pain, practice self-compassion. This article provides sensible suggestions on how you can be present to your grief. I will be more than willing to hear from you if you wish to share your experience with someone.

2. Human spirit is resilient

I read that death is not something that happens only once at the end of life. In reality, from the moment of birth we are dying everyday in all sorts of physical, emotional and spiritual ways. Death is with us when things change, end and then begin again. For example, marriage is the death of singlehood and parenthood is the death of a carefree existence and a new birth in the greatest role of all.

My old self died with dad at age 26. Through his death, a new Winifred was born; one who has greater knowledge, wisdom and resilience. I continue to die and experience rebirth as I progressively and inevitably go through adversities in life. Here is a real story.

The same year dad died, I encountered a series of misfortunes. I was involved in two vehicle accidents and my sister suffered badly in one of them. When I looked at the damage, I thanked God that both of us survived. While we were busy at the hospital caring for my sister, thieves broke into our house. Miraculously we didn't lose much in terms of material possession but I couldn't say the same about the trauma it inflicted on me which persisted for a long time. Lastly, my wallet was stolen from the office when I returned to work. All these happened within two to three weeks after dad died. My good friends awarded the title "Jobress" to me, the female version of Job.

I had no idea how I got through that horrible patch but I did. I can only attribute it to God's grace and human resilience. These experiences revealed to me the incredible and indomitable spirit of human being. I relearned this major lesson when I went through my brain bypass operations and recovery from stroke. It is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

3. Cherish the present

With the passing of dad, it hit home hard that life is unpredictable and that I need to cherish and express my affection to my loved ones and friends consistently. It is too late to honour and show filial piety when the person is gone. Elaborate funerals become meaningless if we did not honour our loved ones when they were alive. 

I also learned that death and losing someone is so difficult because I expect the person to be around forever; that i can attend to him/her at my convenience and terms. I recognize that as incredibly selfish but isn't that human nature? Rationally I know that no one lives forever but that didn't stop me from hoping.

Incidentally, Mother's Day falls on the weekend of dad's death anniversary every year. It serves as a great reminder that I need to cherish my mom who is still alive. It saddens me that I lost the opportunity to be and do so many things with dad and I am so thankful to have the chance to redeem myself with mom even though we live in different countries now. The wakeup call was a timely one and I will always remember the precious lesson to cherish the present and be grateful for what I have today and never take life for granted.

Thank you Pa, for being my wonderful father. I can't wait to be reunited with you again one day. With all my love.

Food for thought: Who would you like to share your love and appreciation today? Don't wait, do it today.

Related posts in the What I have learned:

• about "happiness"
• from walking the labyrinth
• from my illness
• from making NY resolutions
• from Cirque du Soleil

Have you found the road that leads to happiness?

Recently I watched a superb and inspiring documentary that speaks about the crown jewel that every human person is searching for - HAPPY. The film takes the audience to different parts of the world and examine what being happy means to different people. It's fascinating to listen to what happiness researchers as well as common people have to say about this topic.

If you were to google "happiness" today, I bet you're gonna get tonnes of results. In the last decade of so, this topic has been studied, reviewed and discussed extensively. Everyone seems to have opinions about it. To feed my curious mind, I too got into the action and started to read and give serious thought about what being happy means to me.

Today, I like to share with you what I have learned about happiness over the years.

1. Happiness is a state of mind, not a goal.

Ask a random person on the street what is his/her goal in life and chances are the answer is "I want to be happy." That's exactly where the film started.

I was introduced to a person who is found be as happy as any American in the film. Manoj Singh is a rickshaw puller who lives in Kolkata Slum in a tarped house with his family. He is happy that he has a job and he is happiest when he returns home to the smiling faces of his children and wife. In addition to his family, he leans on the strong support of his community. He claims that he is very happy.

By any standard, Manoj's living arrangement is harsh and far from luxurious. How can he be happy?

In It's all in Your Head, the author claims that true happiness comes not from material or external factors. Rather it is from internal factors and that happiness is a mental and not physical state.

Another book presents findings that life circumtances, be it positive or negative, contributes only 10% to overall happiness. Would you like to harbour a guess what contributes to the rest of 90%? You will get the answer later in this post.

In recent years, I begin to realise and consider myself to be mostly happy. Is my life perfect? Are all my dreams fulfilled? Hardly. I have been out of a "proper job" for the last 3 years. There are still many things that I like to pursue and yet I can categorically say that I am happy.

Main reason is because I am mindful and grateful for all blessings and opportunities that life has given me. My younger self certainly has a different notion of what happines looks like but my experience teaches me otherwise. 

2. Happiness doesn't come from tomorrow, it comes from today.

"I will be happy when I lose that last ten pounds."

"I will be happy when I get that IT bag."

"I will be happy when I find my prince charming."

"I will be happy when I have a baby."

"I will be happy when...." (Fill in the blank for yourself)

We hear this all too often and personally, I am guilty of point four. Ladies and gentlemen, we have all succumbed to "arrival fallacy". We think that we will enjoy lasting happiness when the desire of our hearts materializes. It makes sense right? Hold it for a moment.

Dan Gilbert in Stumbling on Happiness cautions that people often overestimate how much impact both good and bad events can have on their future happiness. Our foresight of tomorrows and overestimation of the satisfactions we derive tend to be inaccurate.

Recall the time when you have finally gotten your prized possession. How long did the happiness last? How long did it last till you set your eyes on the next "IT item"?

Herein lies the problem, which psychologists term as hedonic threadmill; our goal is visible and yet it is beyond reach because we constantly adapt. When we pin our hopes on future, we miss the good that is in our lives today because our attention is not there.

Hedonic threadmill doesn't only occur for material possessions. I remember watching a hilarious musical where the protagonist started at the bottom of the rank and slowly making his way to the top. When he eventually became the CEO of the company, he asked himself, "What's next?"

Living in the future almost always doesn't bring us happiness but misery. When we keep looking at what's missing in our lives, it is hard to be mindful of what is going well. The secret really is to practice gratitude. Start by drawing your attention to what is going well in your life right now. Make a list of it and keep that list accessible so that you can always refer to it.

3. Think of happiness as a learned behaviour

I mentioned that happiness researchers have found that there are three factors that determine happiness and one of them is external circumstances (10%). The other two factors are genetic set point (50%) and intentional activities (40%).

The idea of set point for happines is similar to the set point for weight in that they are predetermined. Some people are just happier than others and vice versa. External circumstances refer to whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, thin or fat etc. Interestingly it only contributes to 10% of our happiness. I guess this provides a good explanation as to why Manoj is happy.

We have little control over our genetic predispositions and some of the life circumstances are beyond our control. The good news is we have the power to increase or decrease our happiness by focusing on intentional activities and behaviours as well as changing our mindset and attitudes. 40% is a lot for us to maneuver if we make the decision to choose happiness. Coupled with proactive actions, living a happier life is certainly within reach.

I tend to agree with the experts that we need to think of happiness as a skill like how we learn how to play the violin or golf. It seems weird to consider that we need to "work" at being happy. If you look at it in the other way, we do work at being happy by working on getting the promotion at work, rising the rank, getting a better paid job etc. These are mostly targeted at external circumstances though.

The film ended with four suggestions for intentional behaviours or activities, which I find myself fully agreeing. These are:

• Engage in play. Create opportunities where we can have fun either on our own, with family and children or friends.

• Go for new and novel experiences. Get a new hobby, travel, try out a new sport etc. I am a firm believer of going for new and novel experiences. This stint has provided me with invaluable opportunties to stretch myself and the boundaries. Whenever I overcome a challenge or encounter a new experience, it brings me great joy and satisfaction. My husband and I seek out opportunities to have new experience all the time.

• Build a strong relationship with your spouse, family, friends and community. People who have extensive network of support tend to be happier. Get involved in community whose missions or goals are aligned with yours. This often brings meaning and fulfillment to your life.

• Practice gratitude, which is one of the ten forms of positivity. Gratitude enables us to be mindful and grateful for what we have. It also helps to keep us in the here and now instead of in the past or future.

4. Choose to live a flourishing life.

The last thing that I learned about "happiness" is that I should not be overly focused on the word "happy". In Positivity, Barbara Fredrickson explains that "happy" is overused and its meaning is too broad to be meaningful. It is way better to focus and cultivate on the ten forms of positivity. "Happy" is also easily confused with pleasure. Here's a lovely quote to differentiate the two:

"Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness is something to do with struggling, enduring, and accomplishing." ~ George Sheehan

Lastly, I choose and strive to lead a flourishing life that involves positive emotions, ongoing engagement, solid relationships, meaning and accomplishment. To choose something also means having to give up old habits, mindsets and thinking. It an be a slow, long and painful process. Yet, I am optimistic and hopeful that I can train my muscles little by little.

Would you join me in living a more flourishing life? What are your thoughts about this topic? Let's chat.

Related posts in the What I have learned:

• from walking the labyrinth
• from my illness
• from making NY resolutions
• from Cirque du Soleil

We are the Sea Stars. I matter. You matter and what you do matters.

There was a man who was walking along a sandy beach where thousands of sea stars had been washed up on the shore.

He noticed a boy picking the sea star one by one and throwing them back into the ocean.

The man observed the boy for a few minutes and then asked what he was doing.

The boy replied that the sun was up and the tide was going out. Thus he was returning the sea star to the sea, otherwise they would die.

The man asked how saving a few, when so many were doomed would make any difference whatsover?

The boy picked up a sea star and threw it back into the ocean and said," it made a difference to that one".

The man left the boy and went home, deep in thought about what the boy had said.

He soon returned to the beach and spent the rest of the day helping the boy throw sea star into the sea.

~ Loren Eiseley

Today I woke up feeling a little blah. Nothing major has happened. Just not feeling very inspired and appreciative of 'the moment' as I hope to be. Ever feel the same way?

I found a quick remedy for it though.

Today's bite-size tip is to spend some time on Youtube. Super easy to implement. Be sure to set the timer too so that you don't end up whiling away the whole day. That's not going to make you feel good. Trust me.

This is what I watched that almost instantly turned my mood around.

© Johanna Goodyear

Injections and blood tests are unpleasant and yet they are inevitable parts of our lives. Babies and toddlers have to go through their vaccinations at tender age and this process is often traumatic not only for the child but for the parents or caregiver as well.

The fear of needle is fairly common, affecting both children and adults. If I ask for a show of hands of those who has this fear, I am certain to see more than a couple. This fear can intensify to an extent where it prevents the afflicted person from seeking medical attention and this is dangerous.

Medical procedure and intervention often begins with a series of blood test. In addition, patients may also require the insertion of a plug to facilitate the administration  of medicine through intravenous therapy. All this involves needle for sure.

While undergoing my treatment, I had plenty of practice in dealing with needle and other medical procedures. I have had 16 tubes of blood taken from me at a time and because I was on Warfarin, frequent blood tests were to be expected. As such I would like to share a few tips that have worked for me.

1. Keep breathing and relax

Understandably when you are afraid you are not going to be relaxed. Hence it is even more important that you turn breathing into a conscious exercise.

Breathing has a calming effect when you do it slowly and deliberately. I've also noticed that when we are afraid it is more likely that we hold our breath. This is not helpful. Thus it is crucial that you remind yourself to breathe. Bear in mind that when your muscles are tensed, pain intensifies. Consequently, you want to let go of tension in your body as much as possible by breathing deeply.

This technique is also helpful for children and the elderly. Breathe together with them. Say, "Breathe in and breathe out" as you synchronize the breathing. Do this the whole time when the blood is being taken or during the injection. Some time ago, I tried this technique with my elderly mother who is terrified of needle and it worked. Keep breathing is effective and can be easily done by anyone. It's probably the most underrated tool.

2.Distract yourself

A good nurse or healthcare practitioner is likely to engage in conversation in order to distract you. You can also look away and tell yourself a happy story, count or state fact/mantra to yourself. Some useful mantras include 'It will be over soon', 'do not resist', 'breathe and relax', 'the sting is momentary'.

Work with your child to come up with a mantra that he/she is comfortable using. It works better when you have conviction in the mantra. Doing something when you feel powerless provides some semblance of control and that is helpful.

3. Look at the needle

For this to work effectively you must feel comfortable with the notion in the first place. In fact, many advise against looking at the needle as it may intensify fear.

Here is the rationale for this tip. When you look at the needle, you know exactly when a puncture is made hence this reduces the anticipatory anxiety that is predominant when you look away.

In addition, you can also bring forward the scientist in you and imagine what happens when the needle enters the skin. Be curious about it. Feel and describe it as a scientist would. It's hard to be curious and afraid at the same time.

4. Use the power of thought.

Our mind and thought is more powerful than we imagine. It is possible to use rational thought while managing fear of needle especially for those who are more cognitively inclined. Excessive fear of needle often happens when our rational thought goes out of window. It pays to remember this quote by Sri Chinmoy, "Whatever you fear most has no power; it is your fear that has the power."

An example of this is to think about how the injection or blood test is going to help you ultimately. Many medical procedures are intimidating and I find it extremely helpful to simply remind myself that no matter how nasty, the procedures will be beneficial as they provide the doctors with important data. I am helping myself by being compliant instead of resisting.

This brings to mind a patient who shared the same ward and she refused to have a catheter fixed on her and consequently the doctors could not examine the problems and she continued to suffer in pain.

Rational thought needs to be cultivated especially during high emotional situation where its intensity tends to cloud judgment. Doctors and nurses also need to provide more information and explanation as to why certain procedure is necessary especially when patients are fearful and display resistance.

5. Appreciate pain

Huh? Appreciate pain? That seems counterintuitive as so many people go through extreme measure in order to avoid physical pain. In fact the core reason why people are fearful of needle is because they are afraid of pain.  

Yet pain is important. I learned this when I read a story about a girl who doesn't experience pain many years ago. Congenital insensitivity to pain is a rare disease where the connection between the nerves that sense pain and the brain's recognition of pain is missing. Contrary to what many might believe, this is not a blessing as the parent of the child exclaimed,  "You do not even know how lucky you are that you can feel pain."

Since learning about this rare disease, whenever I feel pain I express my gratitude. Pain is good. It means that my nerves are working and it protects me from dangerous situations. I learn from my pain. It is not an enemy but an ally.

Modifying my thought and attitude about pain enables me to be more patient and tolerant when I experience pain. Self-compassion is very important in moment like this as well because being in pain no matter how brief a moment of suffering.

Word of caution: If you are suffering from Belonephobia, please seek medical attention. Learn of its symptoms.

To those who experience high anxiety in the face of needle, I hope this post helps. You need to be willing to let go of the fear (when you are ready) and experiment with the tips given and find one that works for you. My heart goes out to you in your moment of suffering.

Know of someone who has this fear? Feel free to pass this on.

Related Posts:

• How to deal with your diagnosis?
• Paying attention to your breathing
• 6 ways family and friends can provide support

Credit: Andrew Choi Photography. Thankful that our joy of being married was totally captured in this picture.

We celebrated our wedding anniversary last week and I took some time to reflect on the fascinating journey that we have been on since we said, "I do."

Truthfully, marriage was harder than I had imagined. Yet I agree with all the wise people who exhort that everything worth doing is difficult and requires effort. I am grateful to many authors out there who have helped to illuminate and guide when I was feeling lost.

One of those great books is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up by Dr. Harriet Lerner. 

Dr. Lerner's basic assumption is that people know what they need to do in order to have a good marriage. We are experts of our own relationships. However, we do need reminders and most importantly the motivation to follow the rules, which may seem simple but difficult to execute. I totally buy into this assumption and I find it highly empowering.

There are 106 rules in the manual organized into ten chapters addressing different domains. The format is genius really as it is very easy to follow and the rules are practical and sensible. Witty, poignant and pithy, the book makes for an engaging and insightful read.

In today's post, I would like to share three rules that resonate deeply with me and in actuality I have practiced them for a while. Therefore, I can testify to their effectiveness.

1. Rule #1: Respect differences

I learned this rule through a lot of tears and heartache. Indeed, marriage requires a profound respect for differences because each partner comes from a different background and views the world through different lens. Most importantly, we need to recognize that differences don't mean that one person is right and the other is wrong. We can both be right because that's our realities. What we need is to respect the differences. 

2. Rule #10: Be the one to change first

The truth of the matter is I can change no one. The only person I can change is myself. When I give up the need to control and change my husband, our relationship improves tremendously. I start to pay attention to my own behaviours and take actions to change instead of waiting or coercing my husband to do so. Why would he change if he doesn't see the need in it? 

3. Rule #20: Cut back on advice

Ah! This is a tough one. I pride myself as one who is sharp and observant. Because of my background, it comes naturally to me to dish out advice when I notice something is amiss. It becomes highly frustrating when my husband ignores them. It took me a while but I learned that when he doesn't follow my advice, clearly I should not be giving it.

Advice giving becomes problematic when it feeds my need to be superior and right. In a healthy relationship, it is equally important to give each other space to make mistakes and develop competence through trial and error. I have made it my resolution to only give advice when I am asked specifically be it by my husband or anyone else.

I have also challenged myself to obey three other rules that I am still struggling with. These are:

1. Rule #16: Strike when the iron is cold

Ever felt that your emotions get the better of you when you lashed out mercilessly? Indeed, the worst time to speak is when we are feeling intense or angry. It is much more productive to address difficult topics when both are relaxed and calm.  

2. Rule #27: Lower your defensiveness

Defensiveness has been my strong ally for as long as I can remember. Its close cousin, self-righteousness has been a frequent visitor too. Even though it is normal and universal to feel defensive, it blocks real listening. The book offers a 12-step program to do this and I aim to do the first three steps namely name it, breathe and don't interrupt.

3. Rule #63: Never take monogamy on faith

This rule is not something that I have considered before and thanks to the book, it is now. The fact is that affairs happen in the best of marriages. It hits home that I need to be mindful and continue to work at building our intimacy and communication consistently. The paradox is when we think that our marriage is affair-proof, we are more likely to let down our guard, lower the motivation to improve things and shut down conversation; perfect recipe for emotional distance and disengagement who are culprits for ailing marriage.

I hope you find something relevant and useful from this post. Check out the book and tell me which rule resonates with you. If you like this post, do consider sharing it with your friends. Thank you for reading.

Related Posts:

• Being Two for Three
• Cultivate generosity in your relationship

• 6-second kiss
• Treat your spouse as you would your best friend

Credit: The Guardian. Picture of Joyce Vincent.

Today's Anytime Resolution is to contact the friend whom you haven't been in touch with without delay.

The inspiration for this resolution comes from a poignant and powerful documentary that I watched at the recent South by Southwest (SXSW) Film Festival in Austin.

Imagine this.

One ordinary day you receive a call about a friend whom you have not been in touch with for a while and you are told that she was found dead in her apartment for nearly three years. What is your immediate reaction?

Disbelief? Yes, that would be my reaction too. How is it possible especially in this age where almost everyone is highly connected to one another through various social media?

Yet something like that did happen in 2006 to Joyce Vincent, the woman in the picture whose body was found in her North London flat. How could this 38-year-old attractive woman lie dead and undiscovered for almost 3 years? This question motivated film-maker, Carol Morley to investigate the mystery and directed a film entitled Dreams of a Life.

Interweaving interviews of Vincent's friends and associates with imagined scenes from her life, this beautiful film is simultaneously imaginative and powerful. Undoubtedly, it is a brilliant and commendable effort by Carol Morley who wanted to honour Vincent and not leave her and her story to be forgotten.

Today, there are so many channels where we can get connected with our friends so conveniently that it is inconceivable that something like this will happen. Therein lies the danger. The illusion of connectivity makes it all the more likely that we take our friends for granted.

In the film, many of Vincent's friends admitted that they thought of her constantly but due to life circumstances and busyness they did not contact her. They had just assumed that she was fine and were filled with regrets upon learning about her death.

The greatest lesson that I take away from this film is that I need to be proactive and cherish my friends. When I think of them or miss any of them, I need to translate it into actions. Pick up that phone or send a message on Facebook, WhatsApp etc. I need to tell them that they matter, before it is too late.

Enjoy the trailer and if you have the chance, please watch the film.

Your support means so much to me. Thank you so much!

One of the practices that I teach my patients is to celebrate quick wins and milestones. It is important to reward ourselves even for small wins. The recovering community does this beautifully by giving different chips to celebrate the achievement of staying sober.

Well, I've passed the half year mark since I launched this space. Hurray! Launching this website is definitely one of the best decisions that I have made and I'm learning and gaining so much from this process. The joy that one experiences from following one's dream is indescribable. 

It is even more rewarding when i discover that people do read! A quick look at the statistic informs me that my readers come from more than 80 countries! Wow! I am humbled.

Welcome and thank you! I wanna express my thanks in as many languages as possible. If your language is not on the image please drop me a note and educate me. I would love to learn to say "thank you" in your native language.

Thank you for coming by and giving me the reasons to keep writing. Your support is a huge encouragement and  I will continue to work hard to create posts that are not only relevant and interesting but speak to your needs.

Many thanks to those of you who keep coming back and helping me to spread the word by liking and sharing the posts with your friends and family. Much appreciated! Eveyone leads such a busy life these days and there are so many great blogs out there thus I just want to express my thanks to you for choosing to listen to my voice and thoughts. 

My door is always open for feedback and suggestions on how to improve this site. Feel free to email or comment because your opinions matter to me.

Thank you once again! Terima kasih! (in the language of my country of origin).

Food for thought: What small win would you like to celebrate today?

Here are the more popular posts:

• Moyamoya Disease: My story
• Putting Serenity Prayer into actions
• How to deal with your diagnosis?
• Maldives
• A miser's death
• Unusual anniversaries
• 10 forms of positivity
• Obey the one-minute rule

My original handwritting before the major stroke.

I kept a journal while undergoing my treatment and this was an entry I made on September 17, 2007, the morning of my second brain bypass. The bible verses provided me comfort and strength to face the unknown. Little did I know my life was going to change drastically.

Awoke in the ICU after the operation, I was relieved to have survive a delicate surgery.  However I noticed that something was wrong with my right visual field because even though I knew someone was standing there I could not see her unless I turned my head.

This condition is known as Homonymous Hemianopia. I call it "a world where there is no right turn" because as far as I am concern, when I am looking straight the right visual field doesn't exist for me. Consequently I ended up knocking myself into things, wall and people frequently especially in the early days. It was very painful, literally and metaphorically.

Needless to say, given that I won't be able to see a huge truck right next to me on the road (as explained by an Opthamologist), I am not permitted to drive. This proves to be a huge loss especially when we relocated to the United States where being able to drive is critical and I have always enjoyed driving. I addition, my ability in gauging depth is compromised as well since I lose my stereo vision. Being in a new place is often unnerving because I am also slow in processing the visual information.

In this picture, I like to illustrate what it's like for me when I commute on trains. Can you see the couple on my right? When I was seated and looking ahead, I could see them in the reflection but not in my visual field even though I could hear and feel their presence.

This presents challenges as you can imagine. Once I was accused by a driver in the carpark for being inconsiderate because I had opened my car door and hit his door gently. In the first place I couldn't even see his car because it was parked on my right! I was taken aback when he rejected my apology and called me rude. It hurt and tears flowed despite my protest. I wanted to scream "I didn't see your car or you" but who would believe me since I appear perfectly normal.

I feel the same tinge of sadness whenever I bump or knock into someone. People often assume that I am just an inconsiderate and rude person who does not bother to give way. Being misunderstood sucks. Nevertheless, the upside of this experience allows me to have compassion and not jump to conclusion and judge too quickly because sometimes you truly do not know what is the truth.

My handwritting few days after the stroke

This was my handwriting post stroke, in the early days. I didn't know that I had loss my ability to write/read/type because these are not things you do immediately after you regain consciousness. I was shocked to see that I struggled to write and I couldn't really spell too.

Fortunately, I was informed that with practice and time I could reclaim most of the cognitive abilities. And I did within 2 months, the result of my persistence and perseverance.

The reason why I wrote the bed number was because I also lose my working memory. Up till today I find it hard to remember facts and numbers even though I have no trouble remembering stories that I have read or heard. It does interfere in my conversations with others when I keep punctuate my answers with "I can't remember or I don't know the name." It must have seemed puzzling to others that a young person like me has such terrible memory.

Some people found it baffling that it bothered me that my handwritting or signature is no longer the same. Shouldn't I be grateful that I survived? I should look at the big picture right?

Well, here is the reason why it matters; it is a tangible reminder that I am not the same person and it feels like I am not "normal". Thus, it is imperative that I grieve for the loss. It doesn't negate the fact that I am grateful for my current life and what I have achieved.

This is what I have learned. The way we deal with our loss shapes our capacity to be present to life more than anything else. Too often we shut down and move on as quickly as we can manage. We protect ourselves from loss by distancing ourselves from life. But it doesn't work that way. Grieving is important because it enables us to go forward after the loss and healing emerges from it.

If you're suffering from a loss in any form right now, I urge you to take the time to grieve and practice self-compassion. Yes, it is a messy and unsettling process but its reward is abundant as it enables you to inhabit life fully.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to share this post with someone who might need it.

© Winifred

Today's Anytime Resolution is choose to spend time outdoor and in nature whenever possible.

Growing up I was hardly an outdoor person and it was not something that was highly encouraged in my family.

The conversion happened when we relocated to the Bay Area where I was completely blown away by the feelings that were evoked in me whenever I am in nature.

Stillness, awe, curiosity, and serenity are the usual candidates. The sense of well-being courses through my body and I feel relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to face the challenges of daily living once more. Since the transformation, walking and hiking have become my favourite leisure and stress-reducing activities. We wholeheartedly concur that the National Parks is America's best idea.

An interesting article on Our Nature-Deficit Disorder strengthens my resolve to spend more time in nature. Children should be encouraged to be in nature where their natural sense of curiousity and playfulness can be harnessed and cultivated. The elderly will benefit from a leisurely walk in the park or garden. Stressed-out and overworked parents, employers and employees, more than ever need to consciously chooose to spend time in nature to regain equilibrium and perspective. 

The following is a compilation of the benefits of spending time in nature:

• Makes us feel more alive and present.
• It is an effective pathway to good health.
• People are more caring and generous when they are exposed to nature.
• Eases your mental fatigue.
• Restores our attention by giving us something novel to explore.
• Bestows a sense of connectedness, meaning and purpose.
• An effective stress-reducing activity.
• Provides a springboard for discovering numerious life lessons. 
• Natural spaces stimulate children's imaginations, creativity and build confidence. 

Are you convinced yet? Incidentally, a good friend of mine took her family for a spot of nature recently. Check out the fun and adventure they experienced.

Those of you who are already spending considerable amount of time in nature, I like to invite you to share your experience. Nature lovers, let's unite and spread the words on the wonderful benefits of spending time in nature. Click like and share the post!

Suggested readings: Spending time in nature makes people makes people feel more alive, study shows, Why nature is therapeutic, and Spending time in nature:The secret to Health?

Related posts:

• Obey the one-minute Rule

• Treat your spouse as you would your best friend.
• Create your own personal commandments
• Identify and nurture your tribe
• Cultivate and practice self-compassion

© Winifred Mercy Center in Burlingame, CA.

In A Whole New Mind, Daniel Pink tickled my fancy when he discussed the differences between mazes and labyrinths.

A maze is a series of compartmentalized and confusing paths, most of which lead to dead ends. When you enter, the objective is to escape as quickly as you can.

A labyrinth, on the other hand is a spiral walking course. When you enter the goal is to follow the path to the center, stop, turn around, and walk back out all at whatever pace you choose.

Mazes are analytical puzzles to be solved; labyrinths are a form of moving meditation. Most importantly, the key difference between the two is that how mazes engage the left brain while labyrinths free the right brain.

Since reading the book I have been intrigued and curious to experience this for myself. Last year I finally had the opportunity to test it out by visiting a lovely outdoor labyrinth at Mercy Center in Burlingame, CA.

I began my labyrinth walk after reading the instructions. Essentially, the most important point is to keep to the path from the beginning to the end. Go at a pace that one is comfortable with. I decided to go as slowly as I can manage.

There was nothing transcendent about it at first, it was pretty much like walking on any other path. In fact it felt as if I was simply walking in a circle which was a little strange.

The surprise came knocking when I became aware that I had been through a particular path since it felt familiar. However that cannot possibly be true because I had been walking.

By definition, it means I'd moved. This teaches me that there will be time in life when I feel as though I am not making progress when in fact I have. I must not focus and trust my feelings alone. As long as I'm walking, there is progress. Perhaps not the progress that I desire but a progress nonetheless.

There were also times when instead of heading towards the center, the path brought me away from it. Again, this was counter-intuitive since the goal was to arrive at the destination rather creating distance between where I was and the endpoint. Leaving that thought I pressed on, following the path as it led me; trusting the path rather than my rational thought.

Calmness took over stealthily. Along with it comfort and trust came too as I decided to let go of the mental chatter and just follow, knowing that it will bring me to the end.

That seems to be the "escape for the right brain" that Pink talked about. Interestingly when it was least expected, I reached the center of the labyrinth. What an experience!

To summarize, these are the lessons that came to me.

1. Before starting on a journey (literal or metaphorical), I need to be clear of my destination.

2. As long as I keep walking, I am making progress and I will reach the goal.

3. Don't trust what I see. Even if it seems or feels wrong, suspend judgment, keep the openness and trust the path.

4. To get to the goal, I may have to walk back and forth several times. This is part of the process. It does not reflect my competence. Neither does it necessarily mean that I am backpedaling.

5. Focus on the goal (the center of the labyrinth) as I walk. With eyes fixed on the prize it is easier to keep walking and ignore the nagging and discouraging voices that try to confuse me.

6. When I'm in the flow I don't feel the burden and when I least expect it I have arrived at the destination.

7. The journey to the goal is not always linear.

"The labyrinth is viewed as a metaphor for life's journey. It offers lessons as we walk the path. Walking the labyrinth can assist us to address challenges. Meditate. Pray and find peace and serenity."

Walked a labyrinth before? I'd love to hear about your experience and comments.

Further reading: Labyrinths encourage reflection.

Related posts in the What I have learned:

• from my illness
• from making NY resolutions
• from Cirque du Soleil

© Dmitriy Melnikov

"Time is money". "Time and tide wait for no man".

These are familiar clichés that we have heard to death. We know there is enormous truth to these and yet we are hardly the experts at time management. There are just too many balls that we need to juggle with these days and time is a precious commodity.

Procrastination is something that many struggle with including myself. Recently I found a strategy that seems to hold much promise. It is a method that someone had shared with me a while ago and I decided to test it out.

Today's bite-size tip is to use a timer to manage your time. This simple strategy might just be the key to help you overcome procrastination and better utilize your time. How?

Firstly it helps you to keep track of time. For example, I tend to spend an enormous amount of time researching and reading up for inspiration and ideas for my blog posts. This is good for sure but there is an opportunity cost involved.

Likewise, the perfectionist in me often spend several hours in writing a supposed perfect post. Using a timer helps me to be conscious of my usage of time and let go of my need to be excessive.

Secondly in beating procrastination, I use the timer as well. I am a recovering bejewel addict and God knows how much time I have wasted on this game.

Setting a timer for say 20 or 30 minutes helps me to realize just how much time I have used on gaming. It builds a kind of constraint that I am incapable of setting internally. Also when I discover that I have spent like 1.5 hours simply playing a game, I am horrified! Without any form of tracking, it is too easy to waste time.

© Winifred

Thirdly, you can also use the timer when you need to do a challenging task that you have been procrastinating. Suffer for fifteen minutes is an interesting strategy to beat procrastination.

In helping your child(ren) to manage time, timer is a useful tool because it is so simple and easy to use. Isn't it common to hear parents telling their children, "five more minutes and you need to stop"? In addition to saying it, use a timer where it is easy for children to see when their five minutes have run out.

The timer on the right has been a great aide to me. You can choose any type of timer you wish. The idea is really to instill discipline and thus better time management by implementing an external control. A word of caution; it only works if you obey the timer i.e. stop (and/or review) when it beeps!

Give it a try today. If you have any tips for overcoming procrastination and effective time management, please consider sharing it in the comment.

Related posts:

• Pay attention to your breathing

• Start a gratitude journal
• Cultivate generosity in your relationship
• Restore an emotional connection with a six-second kiss

I am thrilled to find out that there is a day dedicated to raise awareness for rare diseases and February 29, 2012 marks the fifth international Rare Disease Day.

Moyamoya Disease is a rare disease and I experienced firsthand the challenges associated by being diagnosed with it.

Firstly because it is rare not many General Practitioners are aware of it and consequently they will not be able to make the right referral. The many times that I was admitted at the Emergency Department, most of the attending doctors were not aware of it. I was touched when one doctor was curious enough and willing to learn from me simply by showing interest and asking questions.

Support is of great importance during treatment for any illness. While family members and friends are crucial, they may not always be the best support. Fellow sufferers usually serve as better support because they too have gone through similar experiences. However, when the disease is rare the pool becomes that much smaller and often you don't even know where to find them.

Therefore, I am really thankful to DJ, who started Moyamoya.com as an online support. This was a lifesaver because there are tonnes of useful information and there is also a message board where people can ask questions and form support group if they happened to live in the same area.

That's how I found another Moyamoya sufferer and we met up a couple of times to share our experiences. It was very reassuring to be able to talk to someone who have been through what I had and being understood was such a gift. Given my background in working with people who are recovering from substance abuse and addiction, I recognise the tremendous power of group support and I too have experienced it for myself. 

One of my aims in launching Winifred & You is to reach out and provide support to other Moyamoya sufferers and their loved ones. I want to tell my story not just to offer my experience and hope but also to raise awareness for the disease. 

Without awareness, patients with rare diseases and their loved ones continue to suffer in silence and scientific progress is hindered. With awareness, we plant the seed of hope. Indeed, we can be “Rare but strong together”.

Please watch the video and share it with your family, friends and colleagues to support this worthy and commendable effort. Here's how you can get involved. Thank you for your support.

© Winifred

Today's Anytime Resolution is to cultivate and pratice self-compassion.

This important lesson first came to me while I was going through my treatment for Moyamoya Disease. Despite my positivity, there were many days when it was hard to face the day, which was mainly filled with blood-taking, waiting for results and frequent occurence of mini-strokes.

Instead of being compassionate, I was often harsh and held high expectations of myself; that I should be grateful instead of feeling pessimistic. Being a Psychologist I ought to use the arsenal of coping skills that I have in dealing with my volatile emotions and not succumb to despair and depression.

The more I thought like that, the worse and more negative I became. Are you surprise? How many of you are the harshest critic and enemy of yourself?

I learned the hard way that I needed to be kind and patient with myself. In  the early days, I literally chanted the statement to me whenever I caught myself being unkind.

When I couldn't do the things that used to come naturally to me like remembering facts I said, "be kind and gentle to yourself". Again "be kind and gentle to yourself" when I felt like crying and wallowing in self-pity. I allowed myself to cry instead of keeping up a brave front.

Expressing compassion to self takes a lot of practice and discipline. It is a battle worth fighting and the evidence supporting this is growing. In Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges, the author writes, "giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health."

Despite what we think and believe, self-flagellating doesn't move us forward. This is a lesson that we need to unlearn in order acquire a healthier and more balanced view and attitude towards ourselves.

Another support came from Karen Armstrong in her book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, where a particular sentence in Chapter 3 screams at me: "If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love other people either." That definitely made me think of the way I have been treating myself.

I have been on the path of self-compassion for the last few years and while I am a slow student, I have greatly benefited from it. I find it easier now to let go of oversights and mistakes that I inevitably make in life. That also translates to me letting go of oversights and mistakes that my husband has made.

Are you ready for a change of mindset? If you are, this is a good place to continue your journey.

Know of anyone who is perfectionist and hard on himself or herself? Feel free to share this post with them. As always, I'd love to hear from you and appreciate you liking the post if you have enjoyed it.

Remember, when you fail to practice self-compassion - chant "be kind and gentle to yourself".

Related posts:

• Obey the one-minute Rule

• Treat your spouse as you would your best friend.
• Create your own personal commandments
• Identify and nurture your tribe

© Winifred

Guantanamera

Guajira Guantanamera

Guantanamera

Guajira Guantanamera

This catchy and happy song was playing the other day and it transported me back to Chivay, Peru where we had the wonderful opportunity of experiencing a traditional show with Peruvian live band.

There was a group of young travelers who went wild and starting singing at the top of their voices when the band played this song. Man, their energy was infectious and soon almost everyone at the restaurant was singing along to this tune. It was a lot of fun!

My affinity for Peru began when I chanced upon a Peruvian band busking in my neighborhood in Singapore years ago. I love the music and rhythm and I wondered how wonderful it would be to visit Peru some day.

That evening in Chivay, my wish came true and it felt surreal. Today I feel equally blessed whenever I think of all the wonderful memories and experiences from our travel.

If you have not heard this song (which I seriously doubt), here it is. Feel free to sing and dance along! Guantamera!

© Winifred. The women in Taquile Island, Puno providing support and friendship to one another.

Today's Anytime Resolution is to identify and nurture your tribe as opposed to trying to win everyone's approval and acceptance.

If you're anything like me, one of your goals in life is to make people like or love you. I've learnt that this is a futile endeavor because no matter what we do, there will always be three categories of people.

There are:

1. People who love and support you no matter what you do.

2. People who couldn't care less what you do.

3. People who dislike you.

Instead of focusing on two and three, it makes more sense to identify, focus and invest in the first group. These are your tribe members or home team. What happens is that too many people spend enormous time trying to convert people from category two and three and it is simultaneously tiring and demoralizing.

Stop wasting your effort and time. Expend the energy instead on those who already love and accept you regardless. This is far more rewarding. A wise person said,"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Thus, it is fitting that I should give a shout out to my tribe; people who have supported and believed in me and my potential all this while. Thank you so much! You guys are my rock!

Here's a video that provides more explanation on finding your tribe.

Don't forget to express your appreciation to your tribe and better still share this post with them! 

Come, let's flourish together!

Related posts:

• Obey the one-minute Rule

• Treat your spouse as you would your best friend.
• Create your own personal commandments

© Sarit Saliman

The pace of modern life is often hectic and full. Focus on children, work stress and other obligations have a tendency to creep into marriages and reduce intimate interactions. As a result, it is easy to lose the emotional connection with your significant other unintentionally.

Today's bite-size tip is to restore an emotional connection with a "six second kiss".

The six second kiss is a technique used by Gottman trained therapists to help couples feel closer and more connected. Instead of a quick peck when you greet each other or say good night, go for a kiss that lasts for six seconds. Incorporating this ritual is easy enough and the benefits far outweigh your effort.

Here's why:

1. It restores your emotional and intimate connection with each other in seconds.

2. It communicates your tender loving care in a tangible way.

3. It releases feel-good hormone, Oxytocin into your system that makes you feel close and blissful. In Why Mars & Venus Collide, John Gray claims that oxytocin lowers stress for women in addition to being the nurturing hormone.

4. Your young children will grow up feeling secure in the love between their parents. Your teens will hope that someday they can build a marriage like yours.

5. It is pleasurable! Think of the time when you couldn't wait to lock lips at every opportunity when you first dated.

One more thought. Suppose you have two kisses per day that's 12 seconds extra per day. If you keep it up, it will be over five minutes per month and 73 minutes per year. That's an extra hour of intimate connection that you have invested in your relationship! How's this for a small time investment with a huge payoff?

If you need any more convincing, try this ritual today for yourself and observe the result. Happy kissing!

Other posts in this series:

• Pay attention to your breathing

• Starting a gratitude journal
• Cultivate generosity in your relationship

Happy Lunar New Year to all who celebrate it. May this be a wonderful time of celebration, festivity and connection with one another.

Being the first day of the Dragon Year, it is appropriate to start the year considering a possible resolution to adopt.

Today's Anytime Resolution is to identify and create your own personal commandments. Why is this useful?

Firstly, it is a concrete and visible way of reminding ourselves of what is essential and important to us.

Secondly, these are the principles that we can use to guide our behaviours and it is particularly handy when we struggle in keeping to our resolutions. 

The idea of personal commandments resonated with me when I read The Happiness Project book. It piqued my interest and I was curious to see what my list will look like. Additionally there are certain principles that I hold close to my heart and I am just taking the next logical step by putting them down in words.

Here are my Twelve Personal Commandments:

1. God is first
2. Be Winifred
3. Give thanks
4. Love in deed
5. Trust and Surrender
6. Small things often
7. Be like a child
8. Live life to the full
9. Expect discomfort
10. Be mindful
11. Respect the season.
12. Pick the right battle

It took me several weeks to distill my list to twelve commandments. There is no fix rule that says it has to be 12 even though I find it befitting. For a start, you may find these tips helpful.

I am considering doing a series of posts explaining the significance of each of the commandments to me. However, I am mindful that they may not necessarily be something that my readers are interested in. Thus, I like to get a sense of your interest; please "Like" the post for "yay". Non-response is taken as "nay".

Also it is always insightful and interesting to read other people's commandments. Therefore, should you come up with your own set, please consider sharing them. Post it in your blog and please share your link with me. Alternatively, put them in the comment. It is a fabulous way to learn from one another and appreciate the diversity on what is important to different people.

Don't forget to "vote"! Click "Like" if you wish to see a series of posts on my personal commandments. Thanks.

Come, let's flourish together!

Related Posts:

• Obey the one-minute Rule

• Treat your spouse as you would your best friend.

© Winifred

Today's Anytime Resolution is to treat your spouse as you would your best friend (if you are not already doing that).

This is a resolution that I adopted when I noticed that there were numerous times when I treat my best friends better than I would my husband. For examples:

• I am always eager to see my best friends, greet and hug them warmly even when I am having a bad day. With my husband, I was less incline to make the effort

• When my best friends say something that sounds offensive, I give them the benefit of a doubt and clarify the issue. With my husband, I was more likely to launch into an attack and demonstrate less patience.

• I hardly give my best friends the cold shoulder or declare a cold war.

• I don't use my best friends as a punching bag for sure. 

• I bite my tongue and rethink my choice of words before saying something that I would regret with my best friends.

• Even when I have something urgent and important to say to my best friends, I will ask, "Is this a good time?" before going into a verbal diarrhoea. With my husband, anytime is a good time for verbal diarrhoea.

What I learned from relationship expert is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship whereby the couple know and have a strong regard for each other. Additionally, they express this fondness not just in a song and dance but in little ways, day in and day out.

Asking myself, "Am I treating my husband as well as my best friend when I behave this way?" reminds me to do the less convenient but the right thing. There simply is no good reason why he doesn't deserve as much as what I would have offered to my best friends. After all, we committed our lives to each other, something that I didn't do with my best friends formally.

Growing up in an environment where my parents weren't best friend to each other, I am terribly grateful that I have the opportunity to do things differently and enjoy a more flourishing marriage. You can too.

Related Post: Obey the One-minute rule.

© Pavel Pustina

Today's Anytime Resolution is to obey the "one-minute rule", a brilliant rule that I have learned from Gretchen Rubin's blog.

In essence, this rule states that I must do any task that can be finished in one minute rather than procrastinating. I started applying this simple but effective rule for a few weeks now and I'm liking the results.

What are some of the tasks that can be easily done under one-minute? Here is my list:

1. Putting my keys at the designated place. I used to have the problem of misplacing my keys or phone etc. This solves the problem for me.

2. On public transportation, before leaving the vehicle look around to make sure I have all my belongings.

3. Hang up my coat

4. Open mails and toss them.

5. Clear the rubbish.

6. Jot down an idea.

7. Clear the clutter on the table.

8. Replenish the toilet paper. You don't want this to be a cause of a tiff.

Do not underestimate how all these small nagging tasks can overwhelm you when they are ignored. The beauty of this rule is how easy it is to implement. It literally takes a minute!

By keeping all the little tasks under control I feel more serene, organized and less overwhelmed on a whole.

Increase the mileage of your one-minute today. Go for it!

Credit: David Castillo Dominici

Johnny was a sturdy, robust kid of three. He made friends with a billy goat next door. Each morning he would pull up some grass and lettuce and make them over as breakfast for Billy.

So deep was their friendship that Johnny would spend hours in Billy's pleasant company.

One day, it occured to Johnny that a change of diet would do Billy a lot of good. So he went to visit his friend with rhubarb instead of lettuce.

Billy nibbled a bit of the rhubarb, decided he didn't want it, and pushed it away. Johnny caught Billy by one of his horns and attempted to get him to eat the rhubarb.

This time Billy butted Johnny away, gently at first, but as Johnny grew persistent, quite firmly, so that Johnny stumbled and fell with a thump on his backside.

Johnny was so offended by this that he brushed himself off, glared at Billy and walked away, never to return.

Some days later when his father asked him why he never went over to chat with Billy, Johnny replied, "because he rejected me."

Question: Who kills the relationship in your opinion?

Source

This is from The Prayer of The Frog (2), a book of spiritual stories by Anthony de Mello.

Credit: Somecards

New Year's resolutions. They are almost synonymous to New Year itself since the association is so strong whether it is positive or negative. Many think that it is a joke and are feeling cynical about it as it is captured succinctly in the image here. 

I like to share with you my relationship with resolutions and what I have learned about making them over the years.

By nature I am a goal-oriented person and thus the idea of making New Year's Resolutions fits me like glove. Still I struggled with the resolutions that I have made and never quite reach the 100% success. Looking back, my thinking about it has definitely evolved and here are some of the key things that I have learned.

1. Know WHY you are making the resolutions.

In my younger years, I made New Year's resolution because it was fashionable, it felt like a good thing to do and everyone seemed to be doing it. With fragile confidence, missing the boat was unthinkable. After all, every beginning spells hope for a brighter and happier future.

I discover that this reason is not enough to sustain me for the whole year. Come February or March, the resolutions feel more like shackle, a burden that I was too proud to let go and a reminder of my failure. Yes, I get why there are so many who do not believe in New Year's resolution.

In this post, there are 6 questions that Gretchen Rubin poses before we make a resolution and they are indeed important. To that I will add, "Why am I doing this?" The answers to this question will influence your commitment, willingness and motivation to give your all (or not) in order to succeed.

When my reasons arise from a thoughtful contemplation, often I am able achieve my resolutions. For example, my stubbornness is affecting my relationship with my spouse and perpetual conflicts are not what I desire in a marriage. Thus, I resolve to accept influence, be open to suggestions and alternative perspective. Knowing the reason behind my resolution cements my commitment. Trust me, change is not easy. Neither is it natural for any human person to deal with change. Comfort zone and familiarity will always have the upper hand. 

2. They can either be specific or broad.

Most experts will tell you that your resolutions ought to be specific so that you will be able to execute everything according to your plan. In Succeed,

the author argues that two important factors that determine the likelihood of success are specificity and degree of difficulties.

When it is specific, we have a clear idea of what to expect. Otherwise how are we able to measure the outcome? I have no quarrel with this proposition. In fact I am a firm practitioner of this belief.

Yet, I also believe that there are people who might find it easier to use a certain key word or theme that captures the essence of their resolutions. For instance, 'be positive' or 'choose love'. Consequently, it is critical that you know yourself and what works for you in the long run. I use a mixture of both.

3. Getting ready is just as important as taking actions.

Many tend to overlook the value of preparation or getting ready and they launch right into actions. Being thoughtful helps you to anticipate challenges that may present themselves while you are executing your goals. 

Prepare some strategies to ensure a greater probability of success before one embarks on the big change. For example, focus on small wins and be realistic about the changes that can happen.

It is also worth remembering why you have failed to change in the past. Year in year out, you might have wanted to quit smoking because you know that it's bad for you. Part of the preparation is to be honest with yourself and understand that old habits are there because you like them and have formed a solid relationship with them. Also they usually give you pleasures even if they are bad in the long run. Thus, it is normal that you may feel ambivalent about the change.

Take time to evaluate and understand yourself. There is no need to embark on the your resolutions immediately. In fact, I read an interesting post that gives reasons as to why you should start your New Year in February.

4. Moderate your expectations

Anything worth doing is always hard, requires grit and great amount of perseverance. Moderate your expectations when you are drafting your resolutions as well as when you are executing them. Expect changes to be slow in the early days as you are still unlearning old habits as you learn new ones. I read that it takes at least 30 days to form a new habit. Thus, it serves you better when you are realistic about the desired outcomes instead of feeling frustrated and defeated when you are not seeing the results. 

5. Review your resolutions after you have written them

Why is this an important step? Because this tells you if you are being honest with yourself when you design the resolutions. Do they energize or drain you when you read the resolutions to yourself? Are you excited? Or do you feel the dread and burden? If it is the latter, most likely you have not been authentic to what you truly want or who you are. Perhaps your resolutions were driven by your social self and not your essential self.

I usually feel a surge of energy and excitement when I look at my resolutions. Often they make me feel like I can conquer anything and that feelings carry me through for several days. Subsequently, I will have to shift into a different gear and use my reasons (point 1) to keep me going.

6. You can make resolution(s) ANYTIME of the year.

This is probably the greatest lesson for me. I used to feel anxious as first of January approached especially when I had not decided on my resolutions. I had the magical thinking that if I started on a great note on the first day of the year, the rest of the days will be just as great. Not!

For some reasons, I did not set any resolutions at the start of 2011! And I only realised it when I was looking through my journal at the end of the year. Tells you how serious I was about them.

Ironically, 2011 turned out to be an excellent year for me. Yes, I did not set any resolution in January but I did when the need arose throughout the year. For instance, I resolved to support my friends by listening rather than giving advice (unless they ask specifically) maybe halfway through the year. Often this is an occupational hazard since this is my bread and butter.

What I learn is that I don't need a New Year for me to make a resolution. While it is convenient and sentimental to do so at the start of the new year, there is no rule that says "you can't make a resolution on any other day."

There is a beautiful quote that I have been hanging on to for a while. It goes: 

"Today is a brand new day with no mistakes in it yet"

I can't be certain who it is it by but I savour the promise of every new day that offers me opportunity to make a difference in my own life or the lives of others. A brand new day is a gift, and how I use it is my gift to God and others.

This new thinking certainly helps me to live more in the present and cherish each day as it should be cherished. Let us not squander the gift of a new day. Let us live in the present and moment so that come December 31st 2012, we will not repeat what we usually say, "where has all the time gone to"? because we will know.

After today, January 4th 2012 will be forever gone just like December 31st 2011. Every single day is a beginning and an end. Indeed they are continuous, Ad infinitum.

Food For Thought: Can you imagine how life will be like if we treat every new day the way we welcome New Year's Day?

Suggestions on possible "Anytime Resolution", the name of a segment that I will start in 2012 on Mondays.

• Starting a gratitude journal
• Pay attention to your breathing
• Appreciate the gift of an ordinary day
• Discover the power of gratitude
• Cultivate the 10 forms of positivity.
  

Thank you for reading. As usual, if you enjoy this article please consider sharing it with your friends and family. Also, your "Like" always encourage me. You are most welcome to share your thoughts and reaction on this post. I look forward to your comments.

Come, let's flourish together!

© Gingergirl. Counting my blessings and gifts this year.

The year 2011 is ending very soon. As I look back on the year, I am amazed and feel tremendous gratitude for all the blessings that I have received on so many different levels. This has been an excellent year for sure.

Here is my list:

1. Good and stable health.

Health is wealth is a saying that I fully subscribe especially after my own wake-up call. The greatest lesson that I learn from that episode of my life is that: never take your health for granted. Treat your body well, listen to it and do not abuse it. I am please to share that my health has never been better and I have not experienced any symptoms of stroke since my surgeries.

2. Wonderful husband and Happy marriage

Despite a shaky start, we are in a very happy place in our marriage now. Each day, I thank God for the gift of a loving husband who has enriched my life and taught me important lessons in love and acceptance. This is my dream relationship, one that is based on mutual trust, respect, acceptance and love. I am definitely reaping the numerous benefits of a happy marriage.

3. Safety and Protection from harm.

Being so far away from our family of origin is difficult especially when our parents are getting on with age. It is heartbreaking when we are not able to be there for them. This year, all of us have been protected from harm and we did not suffer any major loss. 

4. The launch of Winifred & You: Flourishing Together

In my book, this is an achievement and fulfillment of a dream. It means so much that I am able to share my personal story, knowledge and expertise via my favourite channel i.e writing. A wonderful journey it has been and I am learning a great deal from this endeavor. I am also grateful for the support that I have received from affirming and encouraging friends. And to you, my readers; a blog is meaningless without readers so thank you for your support by coming back and spreading the words.

5. A strong network of good friends.

Relationships are so important to me and all my life I have been blessed with great friends. Without a doubt I have found my tribe, people who will stand by me in good and bad times, accept me for my strengths and weaknesses and inspire and support me in pursuing my dreams. This year we also hosted a few friends from Singapore who visited the Bay and we had a lot of fun. Thank you! 

6. Extensive traveling

We have definitely outdone ourselves this year! All in all we visited six countries (The Bahamas, Canada, Hong Kong, Peru, Singapore, Malaysia), 12 states in the U.S and more than 30 cities. Peru is one of our dream destinations and it felt so incredible when I stepped my foot at Machu Picchu, one of the New Seven Wonders of the World. Another highlight is going to Hogwarts and soaked in the world of Harry Potter, our love. Every place that we visited stirred us differently and gifted us with fond memories.

7. Good eats

Travel and good food are our two main indulgences and certainly we did plenty of that in 2011. Our most unforgettable dining experience was at Moto in Chicago. We also had the privilege of dining at Astrid & Gaston, which was so delightful. The ability to enjoy excellent food and try new cuisine is definitely one of life's greatest pleasures. Thank you to all wonderful chefs who impress us with your amazing skills.

8. Technology and Tools

The world mourned the loss of a genius in Steve Jobs earlier this year and no one can deny his unparalleled contributions to the world of technology. Useful apps have definitely enhanced my life and enabled me to remain connected with good  friends and family back home. There is also a useful app for gratitude list!

9. Personal Development and Growth

Ongoing growth is of paramount importance and I am thankful that there are numerous opportunities available to me. I have successfully completed the Level 1 of Gottman Method Therapy, a course with Stanford University in Marketing and Social Media Strategy in addition to several webinars with distinguished authors like Gretchen Rubin and Heidi Halverson, just to name a few.

10. Inspiring authors, bloggers and writers.

I love knowledge and learning. Thus my favourite pastime is to read. Very often books become my mentors and best friends as I turn to them for ideas, inspirations and motivation. Having taken the step to blog seriously myself, I appreciate the difficulties and challenges that writers face in sharing their voices as well as the joy in being able to present their unique perspectives. Here are my top five books in 2011. 

11. Remember the dog that never bark.

I learn this idea from an enlightening post that proposes we need to be grateful for things that did not happen. For example, a house that is not broken into or a crisis that is averted in time. California is prone to earthquake and we are very grateful that we have not experienced a major one in the three years that we have been here. We spend a significant amount of time traveling and have been protected from mishaps. In a recent trip, we encountered a severe crisis, which was addressed in the nick of time before anything more disastrous happened. Yes, I am thankful for the dog that never bark.

12. Important lessons and self-discovery.

What a great and fruitful year it has been in terms of self-discovery and character-building. Some of the key lessons that I have learned include:

• Self-acceptance
• Letting go and surrender
• Trust in God
• Patience and perseverance.
• Friendship and relationship with others.
• Compassion
• Embracing failure
• Mindfulness
• Allowing others to take responsibility and learn their lessons at their own time.

I certainly hope that 2011 has been wonderful to you as well. Thank you, 2011 for all the cherished memories, opportunities and blessings. I look forward to 2012 and come what may, we will be ready for you.

Food for thought: What would be on your gratitude list this year?

Suggested exercise: This is a great exercise to bring to mind all the good things that have happened. Share the list with a friend, significant other or child(ren) because "shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."  If you wish, blog about it and share the link with me.

Come, let's flourish together!

P.S A shout out to new readers who came by because of this post. A warm welcome to you!

Ah! How I love surprises!

I received a lovely email from Lady J who told me about the Liebster Blog Awards and that she has nominated Winifred & You: Flourishing Together for it! Totally the best news I have received for the day. Even though I have no knowledge of this award previously, I am grateful to be given this gift. Thank you so much! 

Apparently the Liebster Blog Award is given to up-coming bloggers who have fewer than 200 followers. What a clever way of encouraging and helping new(er) bloggers into the scene. Since this space has only been in existent for slightly over 3 months, I definitely appreciate this exposure. Hence, I would also like to thank the person who initiated this award. It's brilliant.

Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kindly, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.

To participate, the rules for the Liebster Blog Award are:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who awarded you.
2. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
3. Reveal your 5 blog picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that the awardees will forward it to their favourite bloggers and keep this going!

To be honest, the blogs that I have decided to nominate are not necessarily selected because they have fewer than 200 followers. I wouldn't have a clue! I pick them because of the great content, beautiful writing style, great photography and most of all because I feel a connection with them. I have a sense that you might enjoy them too.

So here goes:

1. Angelolli

The author, Elaine is a multi-talented woman whom I have the privilege of knowing for 20 years now. Angelolli is a play on her daughters' names, Angelica and Lauren. Her blog focuses on design, crafts, photography and her fabulous adventures with her girls. Elaine takes awesome pictures and is clearly blessed with a superior writing gene.

2. Little Project In Style

If you are into all things beautiful and enjoy DIY and crafts, you absolutely have to check out this blog. Zhing lives in Tokyo presently and she also writes about her adventures with her hubby and a cute dog, Musashi. Gorgeous visual and heartwarming posts await you here.

3. Olimomok

I have been a long-time follower of this blog, from the time when the author was single till now a mother. The monthly reflections that she writes for her son, Sean are always so heartfelt and beautiful. She documents the simple pleasures of life exquisitely.

4. Life as Two

To begin with, infertility is a difficult topic to write about and it takes great courage, honesty and vulnerability to bare one's soul. Thelma does it gracefully by sharing her joys and sorrows as she and her husband embrace their life as two. Not only does she has a great flair in writing, her pictures are fantastic.

5. Food Made with Love

It is apparent that Lianne is not only a passionate food lover but a great cook and baker. The best part is she is generous in sharing her recipes as well. I have tried a few of her recipes and they turned out great! If you love cupcakes, you are in luck because she is obsessed with them and clearly have recipes, which she has perfected over the years. 

Have fun checking out these wonderful blogs. Should you need a distraction or respite from work, these are fantastic options.

My gratitude once again to Lady J for this great privilege. An avid traveler who currently lives in Geneva, she is blessed with a great sense of style and fashion and I bet you will be tempted to raid her wardrobe. Did I mention she bakes macarons and shares the recipes on the blog?

© Christopher Hall

The wise Confucius has a saying that goes like this: You cannot open a book without learning something. Well, this is a truth that I have discovered repeatedly over the years. Books have been my greatest teachers and I am grateful to the various authors for the gifts they have shared generously.

As the year 2011 draws to a close, I like to share with you five books that have left a deep impression, inspired  and pushed me into actions. The books are (in random order):

1. The Autobiography of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul

20 years ago, I chose the name Therese as my confirmation name because I was attracted to Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, also known as Saint Thérèse of Child Jesus. I was drawn to her because of a short story I read about her kindness towards a prisoner on the brink of death as she prayed for his soul. 

I finally decided to read up more on my patron saint because I was curious to know about this great saint who led a seemingly ordinary and obscure short life. What about her that made her such a great saint?

The book is truly a beautiful account, which was written near the end of her brief life. She entered a cloistered convent at the tender age of 15 (she knew she wanted to be a nun at age 3) and died of tuberculosis at age 24.

The core of her spiritual message, which is clearly demonstrated in her life - "the little way" - is a recognition that any act, no matter how small or trivial is infinitely valuable when it is done out of love. In spite of a difficult childhood where she lost her mother and fell into mysterious illness, she persevered in her love for God and people around her.

"It is not enough to love. We must prove that we do" is a quote by her that I am challenged to live by.

2. The Happiness Project

This book came to me just when I needed encouragement and push to launch Winifred & You. I have been sitting on this idea for at least a year or two before I finally took the plunge.

The most important lesson I took away from the book was "to enjoy the fun of failure", one of Rubin's many resolutions for the month of March where she focused on the topic of career. When I read that chapter, it felt as though it was written for me.

I have always been fearful of failure, absolutely terrified in fact. Hence I was very curious when Rubin shared that her trick in counteracting this fear was to tell herself that she enjoyed the fun of failure. And the mantra helped her!

Emboldened by this thought I went ahead and launched my website instead of giving in to my self-doubt and inner critic. It was simultaneouly liberating and terrifying when I first launched it. I too chanted "it is fun to fail" and challenged myself. You know what? I discovered that failure is not as intimidating as it sounds. It can easily be a friend instead of a foe.

Even though it has only been a short 3 months I am so happy that I made it happen because this is something that is so close to my heart. Thanks to The Happiness Project that gave me the necessary boost when I needed it. Can you guess what's gonna be on my New Year resolution for 2012?

3. Positivity

I was blown away by the promise of this book with regards to the powerful impact of positivity in our lives. It changes the way I look at positive emotions and encourages me to strive to increase positivity in my life.  

The most significant finding is that positive emotions obey a tipping point; the sweet spot where a small change makes a huge difference. Here is where I sat up and took notice and I think you should too.

The difference between having a languishing and flourishing life lies in this magic number 3:1 namely when positive emotions outnumber negative emotions by at least 3:1 you soar. Below this number, you languish. This is fascinating and exciting stuff which has been investigated rigorously.

Inspired and fired up by these findings, I aim to inject more positivity into my life, share this great news and provide the tools to achieve this through this blog. Thus we can all flourish together!

4. Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child

This book highlights the importance of children and those who are involved in their development. Roots of Empathy is a program for school-aged children where they are taught the human dynamic of parent-child relationship in a classroom by observing the interaction between with a real baby and her/his parent.

Through this interaction children learn about emotional literacy, empathy, and a self-concept of themselves as strong and caring individual. A huge component of this book centers on empathy and the important role that parents play in cultivating a child's innate capacity for empathy.

To me this book presents very good and revolutionary ideas like how the baby is a good teacher because babies love without borders or definition. Other topics include how bullying can be addressed and curbed through empathy and the importance of understanding your child's temperament in nurturing him/her. Definitely a book that provokes thinking and reflection.

5. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death

Beautifully written from start to end, this is a story about the indomitable strength of the spirit, mind and imagination. Jean-Dominique Bauby was at the height of his success as the editor-in-chief of French Elle when he suffered a stroke that resulted in locked-in syndrome. He was 43 years old.

Paralyzed from head to toe, his mind was intact and active. However he was imprisoned inside his own body, unable to speak or move. His only means of communication was through the blinking of his left eyelid and that was how he wrote the book; by dictation, letter by letter to an assistant.

This stunningly eloquent memoir was published two days before he died in 1996. I am so grateful to have the chance to read this masterpiece. His story touched me so profoundly that words are not adequate to express how I feel when I watched and then read the book.

© Aleksandar Milosevic

Recently my husband surprised me with a nice cup of tea while I was reading. I know what some of you might be thinking; "what is the big deal?". 

Indeed it was a small gesture and yet it managed put a big smile on my face and warmth to my heart. That tea tasted particularly sweet (even though it was sugarless) because it came from his heart. Even as I think about it today I still feel happy about it.

Generosity in relationship and marriage. What do you think is the connection? 

A new study published recently claims that generosity between spouses is a key element to a happy marriage. If you have been the recipient of such generosity in your relationship I bet you will agree.

Thus, for today's bite-size tip I want to provide some suggestions on how you can cultivate generosity in your marriage/relationship.

1. Thoughtful gestures like what my husband did. It need not be grand really.

2. Let go of a slip up that he/she has done instead of harping on it.

3. Say "thank you" and mean it.

4. Give compliments on things that you usually take for granted.

5. Hold yourself back when you feel the urge to complain or criticise. Rephrase your words if need be such that they are kinder and less hurtful.

6. Offer to listen attentively without offering any advice/suggestions.

7. Help out with housework or the kids' homework. This is one way of being generous with your time.

8. Give a massage or footrub or big hug. 

9. Make the effort to smile even when you don't feel like it.

10. Allow your spouse to veg out or channel surf after a long day. Avoid asking, "What's on your mind?" persistently.

11. Allow your wife to sleep in and take the children out while she rests.

12. Give "No special occasion" gifts.

Your task is to choose one item from the list (or from your own list) and do one generous deed for your spouse or significant other today. You will not only elevate her/his mood but your own too.

You are most welcome to share the generous gestures that you have received or given. Be lovely to hear your experience.

Inspiration for today's post: The generous marriage. Want to know if you have a generous relationship? Take the quiz.

Related posts:

• Starting a gratitude journal
• Pay attention to your breathing
• Restore an emotional connection with a six-second kiss
• Spend some time on YouTube

© Nejron

A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side, a countryman passed them and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the man put the boy on the donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.

By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.

The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours—you and your hulking son?”

The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.

They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.

They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.

In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge and because his fore-feet were tied together he was drowned.

 “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them,

“PLEASE ALL, AND YOU WILL PLEASE NO ONE.”

NB: The moral of this story is applicable to all aspects of life - parenting, life choices, what you eat or don't eat, etc...Make informed decisions and take responsibility for your choices.

Source

The Serenity Prayer is a coping strategy that I use frequently in my life. I testify to its efficacy.

The Serenity Prayer....

I was a teenager when I came across the prayer card shown here and it has been with me since. Perplexed and confused by the challenges I had to face then, I found this prayer to be comforting. However, my appreciation of it was superficial.

As life gets more complicated over the years I continue to return to this prayer like an old friend. It has not failed me; I always receive the peace I need.

It wasn't until I worked with people who are recovering from substance abuse and dependence that I discovered how instrumental this prayer is to them. This prayer is recited at the end of every meeting.

When I went through my ordeals, a mentor gave me a token with the Serenity Prayer on it. This token is very special to me. It accompanied me through the dark nights, understood my sorrow and gave me extra strength when I thought there was nothing left. Often I looked at the words, meditated and reflected on them and asked myself how I can translate the prayer into tangible actions.

If you are in a difficult situation right now, I like to invite you to do this exercise with me.

First, take a piece of blank paper. On top, write the situation that bothers you right now.

Second, draw a line in the middle.

In the first column, write "things within my control". Next column, "things beyond my control".

Fill up the two columns accordingly.

Once you are done, examine your list to ensure that you have put down everything and that they are in the correct column. This is the part that requires wisdom!

From "things within my control" column, identify 2-3 items that you are ready to tackle for the day/week. Then, do it one at a time until you have completed everything. This will give you some semblance of autonomy, agency and hope as you ride through the storm.

What do you do with the list under "beyond my control?", you ask.

Nothing. You surrender.

Between the two, I can guarantee you that it is harder to do the latter. Be patient, kind and compassionate with yourself when you are not able to let go. Letting go is a process and it gets easier with practice.

Too simple to be effective?

As with any intervention, there is only one way to find out; you have to do it with an open mind and see the outcome for yourself. 

This strategy has worked for me countless time. May you find a friend and solace in it too.

Should you decide to experiment with it, I really like to hear your experience. Please comment or email me. If it doesn't work for you, you can email me too and let's get the conversation rolling. 

Come, let's flourish together!

Related post: What is prayer?

© Olga Tropinina.

December makes its grand entrance once more and it is unmistakable that the favourite time of the year for many is here. I love this season and this year I have decided to do something unprecedented and special for you, my dear readers.

Sending and receiving cards at special occasions have been a love of mine. Scratch that. I love sending and receiving cards at any time of the year!

It's kinda amazing that a little card can bring much joy and love especially when I remember the thought and effort that goes into it. What a wonderful feeling it is when you realise someone thinks of you and wants you to know it concretely via a card. 

In the spirit of giving and sharing, I like to send my Christmas wishes and love to the first 25 readers who responded. All you have to do is to email me your name and mailing address by December 10, 2011. I will mail to all parts of the world as long as you have a valid mailing address.

The Christmas card can be for yourself or for someone whom you know will appreciate a little surprise. Just indicate in your email who the recipient is.  

Don't wait, send in your email today! Spread the love.

Come, let's flourish together!

© Hmproudlove

A miser had accumulated five hundred thousand dinars and looked forward to a year of pleasant living before he made up his mind how best to invest his money, when suddenly the Angel of Death appeared before him to take his life away.

The man begged and pleaded and used a thousand arguments to be allowed to live a little longer, but the angel was obdurate.

"Give me three days of life and I shall give you half my fortune," the man pleaded. The angel wouldn't hear of it and began to tug at him.

"Give me just one day, I beg of you, and you can have everything I accumulated through so much sweat and toil."

The angel was adamant still.

He was able to wring just one little concession from the angel a few moments in which to write down this note:

"Oh you, whoever you are that happen to find this note, if you have enough to live on, don't waste your life accumulating fortunes. Live!

My five hundred thousand dinars could not buy me a single hour of life!

Source

This is from The Heart of the Enlightened, a book of spiritual stories by Anthony de Mello.

Note: Thanks so much for visiting Winifred & You: Flourishing Together! If you enjoy this story, please pay it forward to others and click the LIKE button. 

Sunflowers and vase from two different friends. I am truly blessed with great friends.

Family and friends of Moyamoya patients (or any other disease for that matter), I write this post with you in mind. Your love, care and support for the patient is what motivates him or her to get better. Trust me, I have been on the receiving end and you have no idea how grateful I am for that.

How exactly can you help? Here are 6 ways that you may wish to consider:

1. Be the brain.

When I first became ill, it took a herculean effort just to think amidst all the emotions that ran amok. I was extremely fortunate because Steven is a very pragmatic person and almost immediately he started to do all the necessary research on my behalf. As a matter of fact, I did not read up on the bypass surgery until the year that I had to undergo the operation. I simply wasn't ready.

It is very important that you equip yourself with knowledge so that you are informed of the various options that are available. Don't be afraid to ask questions and for help. If you have difficulty with medical jargons, ask a family doctor or friends to help explain. This is not the time to be shy or proud.

Whenever possible, accompany the patient for the appointments. You have to be the brain to store and process information that can be overwhelming. Keep a notebook to jot down information that you receive from the doctor if needed.

2. Be the source of positive emotions.

My sister, LC, is a nurse. On top of her demanding responsibilities, she visited me during her break and after work almost everyday. She would say things to amuse and make me laugh. One of her favourites was, "my sister is the most wonderful sister in the whole wide world!" Then she would wait for me to smile. She understood that positive emotions need to be cultivated intentionally.

Do not forget your humor in the midst of adversity. It is actually a powerful weapon that can get your through challenging situations.

Bring objects that may trigger memory of a wonderful time spent together. Simple act like holding hand brings tremendous comfort and sense of closeness.

Hugging is a great alternative. Be generous with your hug because it is a positive exchange of energy. Healing is sometimes simply having someone to hold you and feeling their love, care and compassion. Give a gentle, long and loving hug. That will surely increase the good chemicals in the brain not just for the patient but for you. 

3. Listen attentively and without judgment

This is actually harder than you imagine. Listening with the heart can be very difficult because you will feel vulnerable and helpless.

To cope with this distress, I have noticed that many of my friends (with their best intentions) would rushed in to offer comforting words. Sensing their discomfort, I tended to change the topic of discussion.

If you are the spouse, a family member or a close friend, I will strongly urge you to listen to the patient. Attentive listening requires you not be distracted by your phone, work, and other pressing issues. When you are with the patient, give your full attention and listen - to her/his fears, worries, sadness, anger, frustration, hope - without interruption. Avoid rushing in to solve the problems, dismiss the emotions and/or offer platitudes. 

What is of essence is the quality of your listening and not the wisdom of your words that you are able to effect the most profound changes. Your listening creates a sanctuary and haven for the patient to express what is hidden and frightening.

If this is foreign to you, fear not. This article provides a great start to the art of listening.

4. Visit often

If the patient is in the hospital, please make effort to visit as often as you can. Let me tell you why. It is very dull being in the hospital. Your presence makes a tremendous different.

Except for those who are comfortable with full attention, craft your conversation in such a way that it is balanced. Talk about your day and what's going on in your life. This serves as a good respite and distraction for the patient.

5. Offer assistance.

The best way to discover what the patient needs is to ask him/her. Avoid making assumptions.

Some of the ways that I have found helpful are:

1. A friend who is a nurse introduced a neurologist when I was looking for someone for second opinion.

2. Another made home-cooked meal and froze them, so that I didn't have to worry about food.

3. Volunteer to be a gatekeeper in the ward. Sometimes it is awkward for the patient to tell the visitors to leave and this is when the gatekeeper can step in.

4. Friends who volunteered to help me disseminate any updates to other friends. Instead of texting 100 friends, I only need to text 25. That helps!

5. Accompanied me for admission to hospital when Steven and my sis were not available.

6. Be a runner. Picking up items that the patient may have forgotten to bring.

7. Pray. Invite religious leaders of the same faith to visit and pray for patient.

8. A good friend compiled a list of songs and burned them into Compact Disc. (Yes, i was still stuck in the world of CDs and discman). It was a lovely gesture and as I listened to the selection, it reminded me of her love for me.

6. Taking good care of yourself

If you are the primary caregiver, you need to take care of your own needs in addition to the needs of the patient. Do not neglect your needs because this will lead to burnout. Take time off whenever possible to rejuvenate your spirit because taking care of a patient is seriously draining.

You need to allow yourself to grieve as well. When your spouse/sibling/child/friend is sick, you lose a part of them. Grieving is a way of self-care, according to Dr Remen. Pay attention to your own emotions and if you have trouble managing them, do not hesitate to find support or seek professional help. Whatever it is, do not go through it alone.

Talk to close friends about your thoughts and feelings. Process the emotions rather than suppressing them. You might also end up being the punching bag for the patient since you are the closest person. These are difficult emotions to deal with. 

Close friends should also pay attention to the primary caregiver and offer to give them respite whenever possible by taking over some of the responsibilities. 

To help the patient effectively, you need to be strong and healthy yourself. Thus it is paramount that you show the same compassion and care that you give to the patient to yourself. 

Being ill is often perceived as a misfortune. However, it can also be an opportunity where patient, family and friends band together and grow closer and stronger as a result of this experience.

If you have other suggestions that have not been addressed here, please feel free to add them in the comment. That will be a great help.

Pass this on to someone who might need it.

Come, let's flourish together!

Related Posts: How to deal with your diagnosis?

                     What I have learned from my illness 

                     The power of Gratitude

                     Bite-size tip: Pay attention to your breathing.

At 17-Mile Drive, Pebble Beach CA.

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I love capturing the moment as well as sharing them. Hence every Friday I will showcase the Picture of the Week. Have a great weekend folks!